Communication Breach

     Derek is a “words” guy. No, not in the literary sense but he appreciates a genuine compliment or thoughtful words of encouragement. I knew this pretty early on in our dating phase, but more than anything I realized how great of a need it was in his life. However, simply knowing this and acting on it are two totally different things. We can know all day long that our spouse is in need of communicated affirmation but if we are not acting on this knowledge than it is not benefitting you, nor is it edifying him. Ohhh, it was so hard for me to understand that saying “good job” and “thanks” weren’t sufficient phrases to use every time. If you have gotten to the point of harshly critiquing your honey for their need of affirmation and appreciation, I hope this little insight calls you to reevaluate your approach. There may just be a communication breach creating a divide that is separating what you desire to give  your honey and what he truly needs. There really is love in the details…

     I would find myself getting frustrated at Derek’s reactions after giving, what I thought, was a good compliment. For example, if I thought the music was good on a particular Sunday morning then I might have said, “Babe, everything sounded great today!” In my heart though, I was exploding with admiration for all that he does as a Worship Pastor (among many other titles) on a weekly basis. I could not imagine having to handle his work load and still keep it together enough to usher a congregation into worship on Sunday mornings. So, why was it so hard for me to get the heart felt words out? Apparently, there was a little goblin that was stealing my treasured compliments and swapping it out for me in the form of a boring report- who wants that exchange!? Not I.

     It would puzzle me why Derek seemed empty hearted with some of my compliments and it sometimes felt like what I said went in through one ear and out the other. Since we (yes, you and I) are committed to working hard on our marriages, I took off my big girl pants and put myself in a vulnerable and humbling position to share my thoughts with a professional counselor. (Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you have major issues if you need/want to see a counselor! We’ll address that in another post. J) Truth be told, I was kind of hoping that she would take my side and assure me that I was saying the perfect words to satisfy my husband’s need for “words of affirmation.” Well, that wasn’t quite the case. She asked me to reenact how I would usually deliver a compliment or encouragement to Derek, body language and all. “Giselle, the way you are telling Derek what you think is coming across like you are giving him a report.”

     **GASP** I swallowed my pride pill and continued the session practicing the tweaks and techniques she offered so that my words would come out with the heart and thought that I had intended for them to. And what do you know, it worked! There’s a grand difference in including little details like, “Derek, I noticed that you expressed transparency in an intimate way while you were leading worship today. That takes so much courage and I admire that!” Doesn’t that sound so much better than simply saying, “You did great today”? Wives, it just takes a little aha! moments every once in a while to get us back on track. So I extend the challenge to you today that whether it be how your words are being used or the way you touch your spouse, let your actions affirm love but not be communicated in the form of a report. Let your amorous actions be carefree expressions of all the goodness that really is bubbling in your heart. That, pretty wife, is taking a step to loving your spouse in a way that is unique to only him.

Now, go off and enjoy the perks of having a happy husband after this exercise!

 XOXO