Conflict Resolution... Does it Matter?

 + husband/wife = trouble!

                Confronting and resolving conflict in marriage can be one of the hardest things to do! If you’re like me then you agree. Although I was blessed to have grown up in a home where my parents were careful of how they disagreed around me and I never doubted their respect for each other, it’s been one of the hardest parts of marriage for me to overcome. For some couples, their report card reads “A+ in Conflict Resolution” and for others it’s a war zone too often. My tendency is to not argue well, to cut him off in mid-sentence to make my point, and to use guilt to my advantage sometimes. Poor Derek! I definitely don’t err on the side of being “quick to listen or slow to speak.” (James 1:19) Isn’t that a sad wife admission?  We’re being honest here though, right? So, it’s true but I've improved MUCH and I choose to work hard for progress in this area.

              When I saw the hurt I was causing Derek too often with my tone and words, I could not handle knowing I was the one defeating him like that. I started to notice that I was handling arguments better with people outside of my marriage than with my spouse- that had to change quick! You know what I mean, sharing "I'm sorry" freely towards others and then choosing when I wanted to say it to Derek.We took an extremely long assessment test during our pre-marital counseling that asked every question under the sun. One of the test's purposes was to see what areas in our (future) marriage would be strengths and which would be weaknesses. It was kind of scary because we had to take and submit the test separately and then come to the analysis meeting without knowing what the other answered. We got married, so you know we survived that day!

                Well, conflict resolution was a "weakness area." I never thought about fighting fair before I got married. I had two extremes: brush it off or go Gladiator intense in an argument. Talking it out, taking space, sharing feelings? What was that!? I mean think about it, for 26 years Derek had his own way of dealing with conflict and for 21 years I did the same. Then, you put us to live together after a disagreement and expect us to figure it out nicely? God must get a kick out of us YoungMarrieds, I’m convinced… Thank God for forgiveness and grace because we’ve come a long way! In an article by Mary Yerkes for Focus on the Family, the following was said about conflict:

“Conflict is inevitable. No relationship is immune. When managed biblically, conflict can serve as a catalyst for change and an opportunity for spiritual and relational growth.”

This is so true! I wish I could have seen conflict like this from the start. Like I’ve mentioned before, if you’ve decided that your marriage is worth fighting for (no pun intended) then this is an area that needs careful and gentle attention pronto.

                The ignore-it-and-move on, fight to the death to be “right”, suppressing till one person explodes, approaches don’t work most of the time like we think they should or would in a marriage. My “winning team” consists of God, Derek, and me. If I let society tell me how to disagree with my husband, then I might as well reign as queen. To “fight fair” takes work and for the sake of a healthy and thriving marriage, I urge you to work on it too! I leave you with a few tips (no specific order) that I’ve figured out, heard, learned, or read along the way that have saved me from further arguing regrets and have helped make us stronger when the disagreements come, because they do/will!

G’s Conflict Resolution Reminders:

·         “Just because it’s in my head doesn’t mean it needs to be said.”

·         If I’m not sure something bothers me, wait to bring it up. Most of the time I thank myself later for not making a big deal out of something silly.

·         Look at the plank in my own eye first before the speck in Derek’s. (Matthew 7:3)

·         Give him the benefit of the doubt/ assume he has good intentions first. (Love & Respect devotional book)

·         Using fighting phrases like “You never/always/don't” are lethal most of the time

·         Recommend to try “When you say/do _____________, it makes me feel ___________.”

·         Would I talk to someone else like this?

·         Derek has feelings too!

·         Am I coming across as disrespectful right now?

·         PRAY!

·         Sometimes, there is no “win” in an argument.

·         It’s OK to agree to disagree in some things

·         It’s kind of hard to be mean when I’m holding Derek’s hand or touching him during an argument. (Something I read in a Focus on the Family article one time. It really works for me!)

·         Taking space and coming back to settle a disagreement is wise most of the time.

·        Commandment: I shalt not roll my eyes, make smacking noises with my mouth, huff and puff, get up and leave him talking, hang up a phone call before “goodbye”, or carry on the argument through text messages/e-mail when upset (Guilty as charged on multiple counts before…L)

·         Am I making Derek want to live alone? Proverbs 21:19, “It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.”

·         Choose to remember that my love should be patient, kind, hopeful, enduring, and full of faith- not proud, demanding, record keeping, or unjust. (1 Corinthians 13)

            I want my husband to feel safe when he needs to correct me or disagree on something, but if I’m always trying to be right, instigate a fight, or be defensive he’s never going to be able to trust this desire in my heart. If you’re struggling with conflict resolution in your marriage, please create a game plan on how you’ll work towards “fighting fair.” It’s never too late to start and don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. If your marriage is solid in this area already, then extend advice and encouragement to another family who needs it! This doesn't mean you have all the answers. Don’t look down or envy another couple’s marriage that doesn’t meet your standards- each one is different and conflict resolution tactics are too.

Let’s build marriages up together!