Purity in Marriage, Protecting our Home

     Have you seen GoDaddy commercials? Guess what... I HATE THEM! I think they are a gross example of sexually driven marketing. I can't believe that they even let commericals like those, which leave the human imagination to go wild, be allowed to air on "safe" networks. I hate them even more because I have a husband who is human and those commercials don't help his mind in the pursuit of purity. Let's be real ladies, don't those shots of women who appear to be naked make you question if they really are? Our husbands mind's wonder the same too. A note that I must add is that this does not mean that our men are "pigs" or "disgusting", their minds are wired differently than ours and we need to realize that things like this cause our husbands to stumble. I hate to hear women degrade men in such hurtful ways, we need to worry more about understanding how God uniquely created them and be active in protecting our marriages and homes.We have the job privilege to help our hubby's stay pure. They don't know it all, we just know a little more. :)
     I recently had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school girls about boys, modesty, but most importantly, purity. We covered everything from why we like guys, to what the Bible and God have to say about keeping our hearts, minds, and thoughts free from the bondage of impurity. Purity for girls, and married couples is something I am deeply passionate about. The truth is that I believe marriages today, especially YoungMarrieds, forget that purity is still important and not only a topic that's covered with teens at camp. Perhaps it's because it feels like a taboo subject or maybe we are just naive and live by the "that'll never happen to me" motto in marriage, but we have to WAKE UP and be intentional to protect our homes and marriages because like 1 Peter 5:8 says:

"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."

     The devil, it seems, especially likes to prey on marriages and will find any crack to slither in and steal the joy and promises of the vows made and devour them leaving behind rotten bones of lies, bitterness, infidelity, anger, immorality, and more. STAY ALERT!

     I've had two life realizations that guarding a marriage takes a host of tools, both from God and from a couple doing their part. The first was when I lived through the hurt and pain (and restoration by God's faithful forgiveness and grace!) as a teenager in a home where infidelity struck. I soon realized the thought "that doesn't happen to families like mine" was a lie. The next life lesson came while I was on a break at work shortly after we had gotten engaged and I was reading a chapter in Shaunti Feldhahn's book For Women Only. It was a chapter about the mind of men and I read information that I had never learned about this male "species" in my life!  I pitifully cried and thought to myself, "How am I ever going to understand Derek and know how to help him stay pure in our marriage and how will I make sure I don't cross boundaries that are danger zones?" Well, a lot of premarital counseling, vows and promises later, I realized that if we wanted to keep our marriage pure and guard our home then we had to both promise we would do whatever it took to have that, to cultivate an atmosphere of grace and forgiveness in our lives and home, and to seek God's guidance in achieving it.
     It's easy to believe that your marriage will be the one that is perfect above the rest, but be careful to let yourself think those deadly thoughts. Beliefs like that make us blind to potentially destructive behaviors or problems going on in our marriages. I don't care if you've been married 3 months or 40 years, we need to take this seriously. I heard a quote one time that said something to the effect of a marriage that thrives and survives is one of today's most powerful ways to show Jesus to others. People want to see marriages that work both behind the scenes and in public. My heart stirs when I think of these words because I myself can think of only a handful of couples (that I know of) who are devoted to making their marriages be lasting and fruitful, not out of guilt or to prove something to their friends, but because they feel it is an important life calling. For me as a young married, that can be an intimidating precedent to live up to, but at the same time a goal I want to also work towards.

     I know that in all of our marriages this mission of purity and protection looks very different. Some wives/husbands are still hurting over comments they heard their lover say about the opposite sex, about the truth exposed of an affair, threats of divorce looming overheard, or even about the pain of a past life that has come to "haunt" again and forgiveness hasn't had it's chance to work. There are marriages in which one person is battling an impure addiction, or trying to overcome the holds of lust. I don't deny that these situations and others not mentioned can be some of life's greatest heartaches, and sadly many couples don't try to fight for their love and win. I do know, however, that there is hope in Christ, and a journey worth taking to restoration. I've had to see counselors in my young life and I am a big proponent for husbands and wives to seek it also both together and individually. No, counseling is not only for the depressed and mentally ill. It's sad that we sometimes let pride get in the way of seeking help. I can say that because I let arrogance rob me of time on my own personally journey of extending forgiveness and receiving it. DO WHAT IT TAKES, please.

     Derek and I, in this first year and some months of being married, have lived through some of the hurts of baggage we both brought into marriage and it's taken time and work to let the past stay dead because that's where it belongs and because God has made us new creatures through himself. By being open and honest with other couples on where we stand for the sanctity of marriage and in our own, we have been blessed to be able to help other YoungMarrieds who share the wedded journey with us.

   We know opinions vary but here are some of my/our boundaries that I try my best to exercise to guard our home and purity for myself, Derek, and our marriage:

1.  Did I mention I detest GoDaddy commercials? Just wanted to make sure you knew! I've asked Derek to change the channel during sexually charged commercials or TV/movie scenes when he's watching TV. Why leave room for the mind to wonder and too much of the sexual scenes shown on today's networks are dangerously close to X rated material.
 
2. I like to watch the Victoria's Secret annual fashion show, not going to lie. He's not allowed. :)
 
3. We choose to not talk about how "hot"or "sexy", another person/celebrity/athlete is. We're not stupid and know it's impossible that we'll never think someone else is beautiful or handsome, but why breed insecurity and comparisons with distasteful descriptions. I mean I know he thinks Carrie Underwood has to be gorgeous and come on girls, Ryan Lochte this year?
 
4. We know each other's passwords to private things. It's actually turned out to serve as accountability for us. "It's none of your business" is a no-no in this house.
 
5. I don't share personal or marriage struggles, my heart thoughts, or other intimate details with other men. I don't need the temptation to have another man be my confidant and it's truthfully not healthy. If I can't talk to Derek then I have three choices: God, my pastor, or a counselor. I can talk to my parents too, but I do my best to be careful with what I tell them. That's a topic for another post! 
 
6. We try hard to let each other know that if there is a secret one of us is hiding or a struggle that we need help with that we can tell each other and trust we will do our best to forgive (if that's what's needed) and work through the problem. Notice I said *try*, we know it's hard!
 
7. I can't stand TV shows or movies where infidenlity is taken lightly. It's not funny in any way, whether you've lived through it or not. So, in our house, my rule is that it's not allowed to be watched. He respects that. And, if you joke about it around me just know I'll have something to say.
 
8. Side comment: If you're married and struggling with intimacy, please talk about it with each other and don't be embarrassed if you need to get professional/medical help when there's issues to work through. Don't let this super important part in your marriage fall apart. That's all I'll say for little eyes that may be reading. :)
 
9. If a hurt of the past comes up, I try my hardest to let the thought or memory die instantly. There's no purpose a hurt of the past that I already forgave can serve me now in the present, other than a positive lesson learned as an outcome. Time has had to do it's healing job in us for some things though- that's ok.
 
10. FORGIVENESS is a core value for me, Derek, and our home. 

     To you, some of the above may seem ridiculous, and that's fine. Every story of marriage is different and each person is equally distinct. Above all, line up your guidelines and boundaries with what the Bible says first. The rest is a matter of personal decisions.

What are some boundaries you've already set for yourself and your home? Do you think boundaries for purity in your marriage are important? Is there another marriage that you and your spouse look up to as a source of encouragement?

One day at a time in this YoungMarried life.