Ok, I am going to be vulnerable and
admit that I did not get an A+ on "attitude check" last night. Let’s just say, I
had a moment. I let a crabby attitude, defensiveness
mixed with misunderstanding, and a twisted self-expectations get in the way of
what could have been a simple answer to a question. I took it out… on Derek. Bleh.
His
question:
“I am going to vacuum and wipe down the sinks when I get home. Do you think you could do the dishes and put them up before we leave tomorrow?”
My
defensive thought:
Why is he reminding me of something I am already going to do? Does he think I am
that dirty to leave dishes in the sink while we are out of the country?
My
defensive reply:
"Yes. I was already going to do that, you don’t have to remind me to do
something that is my job."
-Yikes-
I was casually talking to a wife
recently about “homely” things involving cooking and cleaning. We both started
to share how our husbands help around the house and what they are really good
at. I volunteered to say that Derek, among other things, is a master at vacuuming and
that he gets the laundry done so quickly when he chooses to do so. The sweet wife I was sitting across
from started to share her honey’s credentials too and then quietly said, “He is
just so good at everything. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am not needed.”
Confession: I
have felt the same way too.
It’s not that I don’t understand "how" I fit into our marriage. It’s more about the problem of having too high a level of
self-expectation sometimes. Think with me for a second. Have you ever let your
mind explode with any of these toxic thoughts?
I have to be dolled
up and have a hot dinner ready and on the table by 5:30pm every night
If I don’t have the
laundry done, dishes washed, shelves dusted, bed made, and floors scrubbed in a
day then I will seem lazy
I can handle all of
the cleaning and upkeep of our home, alone
I will be nice all
of the time and never disagree with my husband
My kids will think I am the best mom in the world and tell everyone so
While your list of thoughts may differ,
I can bet that as a young married you have had to deal with self-imposed unrealistic
expectations for yourself too. Last night was a perfect example of letting
myself believe that taking care of house duties was a job that I, and only I,
was responsible for doing. Derek was just trying to be helpful in the event that I could
not get the dishes done after school. I let myself interpret the question to say
that I could not take care of a task so simple. If you have ever read the book Love and Respect, then you know this is
a case of me listening through my pink headphones to my husband speaking
through a blue megaphone.
I am so happy that Derek chose to respond to me in
the way he did. With grace and awareness, he knew there was a misunderstanding. I have to give him
extra husband points for digging deeper into the situation and not walking
away! He asked me to explain what I was saying and where it was coming from,
and then asked if there was anything else that was going on. Of course, there was. Why do we as women have to be so complicated
sometimes!? I let the old frustration of feeling like not having a job
makes me less of a contributor in our home get thrown in along with the false
thought that he didn’t think school was hard enough which surely would have to mean that he
thought I was lazy for not having done the dishes already.
Truth is that I do get the dishes done
on time most days, that I do keep the house tidy, that we have clean clothes in
our drawers and it’s ok for there to be some in the hampers, and that Derek
does appreciate and value me. And, the truth is we are a team and teammates
help each other out.
Where did I get the idea that he shouldn't
help around the house because it would mean that I am sacking as a wife? Myself. Who told me that being a wife
and student right now isn’t cutting it and that I should be working? Myself. Who lost sight of who God tells me that I am as a woman,
wife, and human? Me.
Maybe you find yourself needing to
adjust the expectations you have set for yourself, on your husband, and your marriage too? Let
me share afew tips that I find helpful from an article written by California
psychologist, Dr. Tony Fiore:
1.
Decide what is reasonable: "Many things seem reasonable
when you are worked up that later seem ridiculous and petty." In my case, with
the demands of full-time school and the (realistic) responsibilities of taking
care of our home and Derek, it is ok (and reasonable) to ask him for help!
2.
Eliminate the word “should”: We can get ourselves in a fit
over the things we think “should” be done when and how. Could your “should” be
a self-expectation that is unrealistic?
3.
Recognize limitations: There is only “so much” that you
can give, say, do, and be.
In
the article, Dr. Fiore mentions that having expectations that are too high
causes reality to suffer. One last thing that I want to add is that we as YoungMarrieds can find great peace and truth about our reality when we let our
hearts be filled and our minds recall what Scripture says. I told the girls in
my Bible Study group on Sunday night that when I remember that I am not perfect
and that God never placed that expectation on me, it is a relief!
Think: What changes do you need to make
to break the cycle of setting your level of unrealistic expectations too high? Do you have any examples of your own and what you did to “get back to reality?”
*Aren’t you glad that you don’t have to
experience life as a YoungMarried alone? I sure am thankful!*
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Ps. 62:5
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Phil. 4:6
No comments:
Post a Comment