"Help! My High Self-Expectations are Hurting Me!"

     Ok, I am going to be vulnerable and admit that I did not get an A+ on "attitude check" last night. Let’s just say, I had a moment. I let a crabby attitude, defensiveness mixed with misunderstanding, and a twisted self-expectations get in the way of what could have been a simple answer to a question. I took it out… on Derek. Bleh.

  His question: “I am going to vacuum and wipe down the sinks when I get home. Do you think you could do the dishes and put them up before we leave tomorrow?”

  My defensive thought: Why is he reminding me of something I am already going to do? Does he think I am that dirty to leave dishes in the sink while we are out of the country?

  My defensive reply: "Yes. I was already going to do that, you don’t have to remind me to do something that is my job."

                  -Yikes-

     I was casually talking to a wife recently about “homely” things involving cooking and cleaning. We both started to share how our husbands help around the house and what they are really good at. I volunteered to say that Derek, among other things, is a master at vacuuming and that he gets the laundry done so quickly when he chooses to do so. The sweet wife I was sitting across from started to share her honey’s credentials too and then quietly said, “He is just so good at everything. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am not needed.”

 

     Confession: I have felt the same way too.

 

     It’s not that I don’t understand "how" I fit into our marriage. It’s more about the problem of having too high a level of self-expectation sometimes. Think with me for a second. Have you ever let your mind explode with any of these toxic thoughts?

I have to be dolled up and have a hot dinner ready and on the table by 5:30pm every night

If I don’t have the laundry done, dishes washed, shelves dusted, bed made, and floors scrubbed in a day then I will seem lazy

I can handle all of the cleaning and upkeep of our home, alone

I will be nice all of the time and never disagree with my husband

 

My kids will think I am the best mom in the world and tell everyone so

 

     While your list of thoughts may differ, I can bet that as a young married you have had to deal with self-imposed unrealistic expectations for yourself too. Last night was a perfect example of letting myself believe that taking care of house duties was a job that I, and only I, was responsible for doing. Derek was just trying to be helpful in the event that I could not get the dishes done after school. I let myself interpret the question to say that I could not take care of a task so simple. If you have ever read the book Love and Respect, then you know this is a case of me listening through my pink headphones to my husband speaking through a blue megaphone.

     I am so happy that Derek chose to respond to me in the way he did. With grace and awareness, he knew there was a misunderstanding. I have to give him extra husband points for digging deeper into the situation and not walking away! He asked me to explain what I was saying and where it was coming from, and then asked if there was anything else that was going on. Of course, there was. Why do we as women have to be so complicated sometimes!? I let the old frustration of feeling like not having a job makes me less of a contributor in our home get thrown in along with the false thought that he didn’t think school was hard enough which surely would have to mean that he thought I was lazy for not having done the dishes already.

     Truth is that I do get the dishes done on time most days, that I do keep the house tidy, that we have clean clothes in our drawers and it’s ok for there to be some in the hampers, and that Derek does appreciate and value me. And, the truth is we are a team and teammates help each other out.

     Where did I get the idea that he shouldn't help around the house because it would mean that I am sacking as a wife? Myself. Who told me that being a wife and student right now isn’t cutting it and that I should be working? Myself. Who lost sight of who God tells me that I am as a woman, wife, and human? Me.

     Maybe you find yourself needing to adjust the  expectations you have set for yourself, on your husband, and your marriage too? Let me share  afew tips that I find helpful from an article written by California psychologist, Dr. Tony Fiore:

1.      Decide what is reasonable: "Many things seem reasonable when you are worked up that later seem ridiculous and petty." In my case, with the demands of full-time school and the (realistic) responsibilities of taking care of our home and Derek, it is ok (and reasonable) to ask him for help!

2.      Eliminate the word “should”: We can get ourselves in a fit over the things we think “should” be done when and how. Could your “should” be a self-expectation that is unrealistic?

3.      Recognize limitations: There is only “so much” that you can give, say, do, and be.

     In the article, Dr. Fiore mentions that having expectations that are too high causes reality to suffer. One last thing that I want to add is that we as YoungMarrieds can find great peace and truth about our reality when we let our hearts be filled and our minds recall what Scripture says. I told the girls in my Bible Study group on Sunday night that when I remember that I am not perfect and that God never placed that expectation on me, it is a relief!

     Think: What changes do you need to make to break the cycle of setting your level of unrealistic expectations too high? Do you have any examples of your own and what you did to “get back to reality?”

                    *Aren’t you glad that you don’t have to experience life as a YoungMarried alone? I sure am thankful!*

 

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Ps. 62:5

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Phil. 4:6

"Later" Might Not Come

Forget the calories! I want to enjoy sweets while I can with this cutie! :)    

 Do you ever think about time? Maybe you think of the limits of time when you are rushing to get out the door in the blurr of a frantic schedule, or when trying to shorten the cooking time of whatever you have sizzling on the stove for dinner. Or, maybe you want time to stop or go by so slowly that you cannot notice when you are in the arms of your lover or holding your baby girl/boy close. But... do you ever think about that time not being available for you to spend away or enjoy anymore? 

     I am going through the book, Love at Last Sight, with some of the college girls from my church. The idea of the book is to engage with the key* relationships in your life as if it were the last time.  Moreover,  the purpose is to intentionally grow and deepen these core relationships in such a way that you won't have to regret and live with the "I wish I would have" remorse later on. The book covers several different aspects of relationships, whether romantic or platonic, and I would give you a thumbs-up to check it out! In one of the readings from this week, the authors (Kerry and Chris Shook) touched on the principle of "last to first." This ideas says that, "...My chances to show love are not always going to be there- [that] makes me realize I need to say and do the most important things first." 

    Why is it so easy to forget what James 4:14 says? The NLT version of this verse reminds us that our life is like the morning fog, here for a little while and then gone. I do not want to live a life of regrets as a wife in wishing that I would have said, "I love you!" more or that I wish I had stopped doing my "important" jobs to just slow down and give Derek a hug and attention. While realistically we cannot give 100% ALL of the time, we can be intentional in the time that we are given and do have. It is true that if something is important to you, in this case your spouse, then you will do whatever it takes to reconcile, to be joyful, to forgive, to love, to spend time together, to talk, to be intimate, to laugh, to dream together- to love like it could be the last time you have the chance to.

     This has been on my mind in recent weeks and now more than ever in reading this book. I/we have tried to make the most of our time together. Derek is in a busy season with ministry right now and I am trying my best to be supportive and to make coming home for him something to smile about. In the last week we have stayed up laughing way past our normal "bed time," we had a picnic at the little park across the street, and picked out fall candles together at the store. Even letting him choose the scents he liked best was out of the norm. Time as a vapor does not have mercy on life being "normal" all the time. When it's gone, it's gone.

Candle picking at Bath & Body Works. Interesting experience! 

     In what ways are you letting excuses of all different kinds get in the way of maximizing time with your lover? Maybe you are in a busy season of life too and can't seem to even get a meal ready before 9pm for you both? Put the schedules, extra-curricular commitments, and excuses aside for the next few minutes and intentionally make some time to be completely present with your spouse- mind, body, and spirit. 

     *Don't wait for a special occasion to use your "fancy" plates- serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner on them one day. Is your water bill going to suffer THAT much? Will the extra time to wash them be THAT much to gripe over? Didn't think so...

     *Ladies, surprise your husband and slip into something from your "private" clothes drawer. What's the excuse now? He sure won't complain! Go ahead, live a little... ;)

     *Stay up later than you are "supposed" to every now and then to have fun. The lethargy the next day at work will not compare to the memories that were made. Derek was having a rough day a few months ago so when he got home later that night I suggested we go to the movies. So, we went to a late showing and had pizza afterward at 1:30am! That is not like us and I was literally sick to my stomach afterward, but it is one of my favorite spontaneous memories!  

  

      *There is never an excuse valid enough to keep you from saying "I love you." Please, please don't let the sun go down and your husband/wife not be assured of your affections towards them! I always regret the nights I let go by that I allow myself to stay angry over trivial things. It is never worth it for me in the end...

Picnic with Derek... just because.

Why keep waiting to do life and enjoy each other "later" when later might not come?

     How about you? When was the last time you took a risk and did something spontaneous just because? What excuses are you using that keep your from enjoying a rich relationship with your husband? What would it be like if you thought about this moment being the last with your love? Would you be regretful or have peace that you made the most of your time together here on earth? Pinpoint the excuses and do away with each one! Take advantage of the time that has not escaped you yet, please.

"We exaggerate yesterday. We overestimate tomorrow. But we vastly underestimate today! When your mind is focused on yesterday, your heart will be filled with regret from the past. When your mind is focused on tomorrow, your heart will be filled with anxiety about the future. When your mind is focused on today, your heart will be filled with hope. If you change what you do today, your life will change!" John Maxwell, Today Matters

Midnight Thinking

 

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it.”
― Henry Ford

     Do you ever have those nights where your thoughts will not let you go to sleep? I am not talking about worrisome or anxious thoughts, but the dreaming, questioning, and curious kind. Well, I have them too. I consider myself an “information hungry” type person so I feel like I usually have some type of idea, question, or just random thought that I want to know more about. This type of curiosity could be to a fault though, so it is important that I/we learn to be productive and effectively use our wonderings. There is a “time for everything,” right?

     Just a few hours ago I wanted to know why headaches start so I did some “googling.” There was way more information than I could sort through so I skimmed and stored away, in who knows what brain compartment, what I wanted to know. Then, I was satisfied. Random, I know. Sometimes I get a little more sophisticated with my searches… just saying. ;)

    I told Derek that all the thoughts in my mind were not letting me get to sleep. I am sure Freud would have a thing or two to say about my mind’s unconscious activity. Oh, brother… Little did Derek know what he got himself into by asking “Like what?” I rambled off thought after thought and paused when I saw a little smirk creep onto his lips. “You should just write all those down, babe.” And, so I am.

 

Do I like UCF? Is it realistic for people to “get ahead” without Bachelor’s degrees anymore? Why are we as a society so judgmental of those who don’t get them or can’t?

             What does an ideal job look like for me?

Why do people say they wish they had “done more” before kids? What do I/we want to accomplish before little ones come? I don't want to be thinking "I wish I had..." when it's time.

Who are the military families at our church? Is there something we can do to encourage or help them?

             What’s something I can do this week to be spontaneous with Derek?

I can’t wait for Mission’s Conference at OBC! What’s something extra that I can do for our missionary friends that will come?

Based on the insult from the lady at the dentist’s office yesterday, do I come across as one of “those” people that are socially handicapped because of technology dependence? How much is too much?

How can I be more “present” in my relationships?

Can NFP realistically work for me/us?

I want to host a get-together…How, when, where, who… Why?

How do I learn to be a better blogger?

 

                Sometimes I stay up and "think" out loud with Jesus, other days I stay up reliving good memories in my mind as I drift off to sleep, or sometimes they turn into nights like tonight- randoms floating around to be considered for a bit and then wait to be answered at another time... if there is an answer. Allow yourself to wonder and think sometimes. It’s ok. :)

What thoughts keep you up at night or pensive throughout the day?

In-Law Relationships

      It has been a little while since I have been able to post but I have not forgotten about you, my faithful reader. :) School has been kicking me in the booty with assignments, exams, and deadlines, and it is still only the first month of classes- yikes! I am so thankful that I was able to have a little bit of a break this weekend to catch my breath and take a mini road trip with my sister-in-laws and mom-in-law to Georgia for the Yellow Daisy Festival in Buckhead.  The festival was like a giant farmer's market, and it was so fun! I spent pretty much every moment with these ladies and I got to thinking about how important it is to have a relationship with my husband’s family.

     Not everyone can say that they have a relationship (or a friendship) with their spouse’s family, I am well aware. I am so blessed to say that I do and to know that they want to have a relationship with me too. We all know the negative mentality that surrounds “the in-laws.” Remember Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda in Monster in Law, or the family chaos in Meet the Fockers? How about the thought that sister-in-laws are always in competition with each other or the “favoritism syndrome”? Let’s be real, it is funny to laugh at these stereotypes but in reality it is not healthy. It bothers me to hear husbands and wives sometimes negatively argue that, “I married my spouse and NOT their family.” While it is true you are married to your honey, their family is also part of the equation too. Yes, there are boundaries to keep in your married life with the “parents” and there will be some things that drive you nuts about them, but that does not mean you have the right to be mean to them or about them to other people.

     I am so blessed to have a mother-in-law that wants to keep all of our families together, who remembers specifics in our conversations together, and who sincerely loves the Lord. My sister-in-laws are just as great and it is fun to get to know their differences and unique personalities that make up who they are. I know that I am privileged to do ministry with them and live in the same state also. Being on this trip with "the girls" this weekend made me take note of some important actions that you and I can take to being active in developing our relationships with the in-laws. You may see your husband’s family as your worst enemies or you may be happy in your friendship with them, but do not let the time pass by and realize that you could have invested  more with them.

Being silly with Derek's sisters, Denille and Diana

• Respect- It does not matter whether you love or dread being with your in-laws, they deserve respect just as much as you do. For the sake of love, human decency, and maturity…show respect always.

• Have Fun- Try to schedule times where you can just have FUN with your in-laws. I have had great times with my sister-in-laws by taking a walk on the beach together, getting pedicures, watching a TV show, and even shopping together. “Girls just wanna have fun!”
• Be Curious- Be curious about them. Ask questions, lots of them! My in-laws probably think I ask too many questions, but I do not care. :) This weekend I wanted to know everything from their favorite holiday traditions to what kinds of things they like to eat. Ask away, it makes conversations so rich!
• Discern- It is amazing what you can learn about a person if you just listen. People will unconsciously and sometimes consciously reveal fears, insecurities, joys, and more in conversation without even realizing it. Care about what your in-laws say whether they realize it or not. With that information either make it your personal prayer point, find a way you can help motivate them, or take the time to talk to him (if you are a guy) or her (for the "sisters") about a concern you might have.
• Be loyal- Defend your in-laws even if you hate to do it. They are your family too and it is just ugly to see families go against each other. You do not have to be their friend, but be loyal in the family bond. Do not let other people say nasty things about them, and do not have the tongue that betrays either. It is just not right.
• Remember- When you have a conversation, remember details. It always makes me feel good to hear one of my in-laws repeat something back to me that I would have never thought they remembered about me. Do the same towards them.

• Humility- Don’t try to act like you have it all figured out. I love when my in-laws are transparent. It reminds me that they are human too. Sometimes, as newlyweds, I think we feel like we have to prove we are “worthy” of attention and a place in our spouse’s family. Relax. Be humble and don’t stress over your in-laws doing, saying, or knowing something you wish you had first. It is petty in the grand scheme of things.

     These are just a few thoughts and, obviously, there could be many more ways or ideas to have a relationship with your "second" family. I encourage you to think about the relationship that you have with your in-laws. If it is a great one, be thankful. Are there ways you could make it better? If it is struggling, take time to think about how you can make changes to try to mend the patches.

I promise it will be so worth it.

 

Left to right: Diana, me, Denille, Brooke, and "Ms. Donna"(mom-in-law :))

P.S. Here are two articles I found that may be beneficial for you:

In-Law Relationships

Ten Tips for Getting Along...