Something to Trend Set About

     I have to admit, one of my biggest pet peeves is getting jabbed with comments about my age. If you’re also an early 20s young married then you are probably all too familiar with the “You’re too young to be married” comments. “Oh, you’re just young and in love-that’ll change.” What does that even mean? Arrg! Last week I was reminded in a much needed and refreshing way that while I am a young wife and may seem to not know “too much” there are older couples watching me. We, Derek and I, are being watched as Christians and as individuals, but more than that there are eyes observing what our marriage testimony is speaking to the world around us. I/ you may be young, but we are not useless.

     Derek, and the worship ministry he leads at our church, recorded an incredible album recently over the span of two evenings. I decided to come and support the choir, my hubs, and the project both nights so I took a seat in the back of the sanctuary and hoped that my presence would not distract anyone too much. I’m not quite sure I sat still long enough to fly under the radar but I tried… A few days later on Sunday in between our morning services, an older gentleman approached me and said that he appreciated my presence at the recording (how sweet) and that it spoke of my support for Derek as a wife to come even if just to watch. “I notice when a wife supports her husband.” That was music to my young and married ears.

     As he walked away, I was reminded that people are watching me as a person for more than just how I dress and what I say. There are eyes from little people and seasoned adults that are comparing what I say and believe about marriage to how I am actually “living the talk.” I was reminded of the verse in 1 Timothy 4:12:

“[Giselle] don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example [as a wife] to all believers in what [I] say, in the way [I] live, in [my] love, [my] faith, and [my] purity.”

     I personalized this verse because I did not want to forget that I am not only a Christian called to be an example, but I am a Christian wife called to the same as well.  Would another believer think of me as an example in this area even in my young age? Does the way that I love Derek tell the world about a love greater than mine, Christ’s? Am I setting boundaries and protecting my reputation and that of my marriage’s so that my purity as a wife will not come into question? These are thoughts, wives, that we must consider if we take up the challenge found in this verse. I hope that you get “God winked” too by having an older person, or anyone really, respect you for striving to be a young wife who shows the world that “age ain’t nothing but a number” when it comes to setting an example. You go girl. J

 

This week's married moment: Derek supported the Boy Scouts and brought home a little surprise. See ya' under the mistletoe. Muaaah! :)

 

Communication Breach

     Derek is a “words” guy. No, not in the literary sense but he appreciates a genuine compliment or thoughtful words of encouragement. I knew this pretty early on in our dating phase, but more than anything I realized how great of a need it was in his life. However, simply knowing this and acting on it are two totally different things. We can know all day long that our spouse is in need of communicated affirmation but if we are not acting on this knowledge than it is not benefitting you, nor is it edifying him. Ohhh, it was so hard for me to understand that saying “good job” and “thanks” weren’t sufficient phrases to use every time. If you have gotten to the point of harshly critiquing your honey for their need of affirmation and appreciation, I hope this little insight calls you to reevaluate your approach. There may just be a communication breach creating a divide that is separating what you desire to give  your honey and what he truly needs. There really is love in the details…

     I would find myself getting frustrated at Derek’s reactions after giving, what I thought, was a good compliment. For example, if I thought the music was good on a particular Sunday morning then I might have said, “Babe, everything sounded great today!” In my heart though, I was exploding with admiration for all that he does as a Worship Pastor (among many other titles) on a weekly basis. I could not imagine having to handle his work load and still keep it together enough to usher a congregation into worship on Sunday mornings. So, why was it so hard for me to get the heart felt words out? Apparently, there was a little goblin that was stealing my treasured compliments and swapping it out for me in the form of a boring report- who wants that exchange!? Not I.

     It would puzzle me why Derek seemed empty hearted with some of my compliments and it sometimes felt like what I said went in through one ear and out the other. Since we (yes, you and I) are committed to working hard on our marriages, I took off my big girl pants and put myself in a vulnerable and humbling position to share my thoughts with a professional counselor. (Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you have major issues if you need/want to see a counselor! We’ll address that in another post. J) Truth be told, I was kind of hoping that she would take my side and assure me that I was saying the perfect words to satisfy my husband’s need for “words of affirmation.” Well, that wasn’t quite the case. She asked me to reenact how I would usually deliver a compliment or encouragement to Derek, body language and all. “Giselle, the way you are telling Derek what you think is coming across like you are giving him a report.”

     **GASP** I swallowed my pride pill and continued the session practicing the tweaks and techniques she offered so that my words would come out with the heart and thought that I had intended for them to. And what do you know, it worked! There’s a grand difference in including little details like, “Derek, I noticed that you expressed transparency in an intimate way while you were leading worship today. That takes so much courage and I admire that!” Doesn’t that sound so much better than simply saying, “You did great today”? Wives, it just takes a little aha! moments every once in a while to get us back on track. So I extend the challenge to you today that whether it be how your words are being used or the way you touch your spouse, let your actions affirm love but not be communicated in the form of a report. Let your amorous actions be carefree expressions of all the goodness that really is bubbling in your heart. That, pretty wife, is taking a step to loving your spouse in a way that is unique to only him.

Now, go off and enjoy the perks of having a happy husband after this exercise!

 XOXO

My Kind of Gift

     Don’t you love Frank Sinatra’s “Mistletoe and Holly” song? I do! Oh, by gosh, by golly! It has quickly become one of my preferred roll-the-windows-down-spread-Christmas-cheer-to-the-408-highway songs. On another note, one of this year’s [real] favorites for me is “My Grown Up Christmas List.” Listening to this song makes me think about what kind of gifts I cherish the most and why.

     You don’t have to look around too long to figure out that the holiday season for giving is here. Getting through retail lines feels like a challenge on the Amazing Race and pocket books across the country are starting to break a sweat. (Insert Dave Ramsey plug: I hope you’ve got an envelope for that! J) You know it’s bad when you can’t keep track of all your gift receipts, yikes! While I do enjoy a thoughtful gift and I understand that most of the joy in shopping for gifts is giving the present afterward, I still think there tends to be a lot of heart missing behind this season’s giving practices. Whatever happened to birthdays and anniversaries being the big gift giving days anyway? Shiny new tech gadgets are nice, designer bags get the oh la la's! that their price tags demand, and the good ol’ gym membership for a year is a winner;  but, I figured out a gift that trumps them all. This season I hope that your focus either stays on or shifts to giving the gift of a memory.

     Before you “Gift” love language peeps roll your eyes, what I am saying is that I hope this holiday season reminds you of the reasons why we give and not the stress of forking out $$$ for a luxury tied to a little tag. My kind of gift is the one I can tell my friends, family, and someday kids about for many years to come, even when I am old and “seasoned” in life. I cannot wait to tell our future munchkins that their daddy took me to Niagara Falls for my birthday one year, or that we got to sponsor a  needy child when I was their age with my family one Christmas. I would be remiss to make the highlight of all my Christmas days of the past, present, and future a tale about my first cell phone, a shiny new hair iron, or a great pair of shoes. Do you get what I am saying? Enjoy shopping and picking out those wonderful gifts but don’t forget to stuff them fully with heartfelt intention, loving thoughts, and a memory attached for years to come. That's a price tag that can't be taken off and trashed! This is my kind of gift, one that is all over my grown up Christmas list. J Your kids will forgive you for not getting them the latest i-Whatever this one year on Christmas and you won’t regret it either- I am sure.

P.S. Next year when you go back to buying the designer bags, you can add my name to the list! ;)

 

 "Der, what's a reindeer face look like?"

Apparently, it looks like this...

Memories. <3

Behind THOSE Doors…Your Master Bedroom

lovely.

               

     I will never forget the thrills (and anxiety!) I experienced moving into our condo with my newlywed husband. Not to mention, who could forget the giddy feelings of finally getting to share the same room together!  We new brides worry about the craziest things, from hoping that we don’t develop a snoring habit that never existed prior to saying “I do,” to the anxiety of wanting to look off-the-catwalk glamorous when preparing for bed at night. Okay, so maybe I could be the only one who worried about those two… All jokes aside, in the last year and a half of this YoungMarried life I have learned and come to realize that a couple’s personal bedroom is to be a “sanctuary” of sorts, an oasis from the outside world and yes, a private place for the rest. J

     A living room has its purpose as does a dining room, kitchen, play room, and all the other rooms in a house. A couple’s bedroom, however, should be unique to the rest! In my opinion, the routine work and some play done in the rest of your home’s rooms should be kept to a minimum when it comes to bringing it into your bedroom. Well, unless of course you are making your sweetie a yummy breakfast-in-bed! J It seems that we can get so wrapped up in putting emphasis on wanting to make the exterior or our homes and the places that everyone else sees inside look as presentable as possible. Why wouldn’t we put those same efforts into making our personal bedroom presentable, inviting, and desirable for ourselves and our husband? Think on that for a minute…

     I know each couple’s situation is a bit different from living space dilemmas, to weird unique personal habits. We live in a one bedroom condo so I definitely understand the storage space issue. Becoming a hoarder could be a real problem if I didn’t keep myself in check! Nonetheless, I encourage you to make a concentrated effort to keep your work outside the bedroom, TVs in other spaces and phones to a minimum use (or not at all!), and clutter FAR from your secret space. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a trial and error process figuring out what we want, don’t want, and everything in between for our room but it’s worth taking on the challenge together. Haven’t you seen those home makeover shows that reveal the disastrous master bedroom and it makes you cringe? What does the designer always do- glams it up and makes it “sexier.” Have you asked your honey what he thinks about your room?  My and Derek’s “areas” tend to look different. For example, his Type A personality nightstand is pretty much spotless and only has a framed picture of us set on top.  Well, my side has a stack of books and a few trinkets to add to the… adornment? I’m working on the compromise part to all of this. Don’t get discouraged, or feel the need to run to your nearest Home Depot. Make mini changes a few at a time. It’s a work in progress!

Here are a few things that we have chosen to do to keep our room a place we love to be:

Make the bed in the morning and tidy up- While I didn’t practice this too well when I was single, it became a non-negotiable almost immediately for me in our married life. To see the sheets undone and the pillows hanging off the bed drove me nuts! Guess what- I found out it stressed Derek out too. Just take an extra few minutes before you leave the house to put everything back in place and you’ll come home after work happy that you did! Even if you have to work out a little schedule between the two of you, make it happen. When I worked, Derek would make our bed on the mornings that I left before him, and I would pick up on the days that he left first. Teamwork.

Don’t argue in bed- I can’t stress this one enough! Your bedroom, and bed, can’t be the place to have heated disagreements or to bring resentment and bitterness to. The few times that we did that made coming back to our room later so sad. I am glad that Derek agrees on this one and has suggested more than once, in the event that we’ve started to disagree on something big, “Let’s not talk about this in bed. Let’s take it to the living room.” Your bedroom needs to be a safe place, not one that elicits fear or intimidation. Listen, change your room around if you have to if it helps to squash memories of past hurts and arguments in your special room.  This one is a biggie!

Keep the media “noise” OUT- “To each his own” on this one but in my opinion, I don’t see value in having a TV in our room. Derek loves his sports stations and favorite TV shows which I am perfectly OK with. However, I don’t want any media robbing my spotlight in our room. Understandable, right? Same goes for cellphones. We have set a time where it’s “phones out” policy and it’s helped us stay accountable to each other.  I will say, allow room to have fun though. For example, since this was an Olympic year and the events went on late into the night, we decided to move a smaller TV that we have into our room for the last week of the games. It was a fun change for a bit! After the games were over we took it back out of the room- no complaints from either “team.” Make it work how you see fit, but don’t let it tune out the romance.

Set the mood- Candles, décor, pictures and more… Make your room as inviting as possible for you and your honey. I heard a tip one time that when it comes to pictures in this room, try to keep them to ones of you and your honey. There are enough places elsewhere to put pictures up of family, friends, and your cute nieces/nephews. Think about it: you and your spouse are turning up the romance notch and someone looks over… oh, there’s your sister. Awkward. I do have a few pictures of my family in our room, but they are “out of sight” by my sink area. We can agree on that!

 Talk about it, dream and envision the changes, do research, and little by little get your special room right where you want it to be! To name a few, here are my favorite sites to browse through for ideas: The Nest, HGTV, Pinterest, and Craft Gawker.

Have fun creating the inviting, romantic, desirable bedroom space of your dreams!

DIY Starbucks Halloween Costume for Couples

    Growing up, Halloween was not a holiday that my family chose to celebrate. My sister and I didn’t dress up in cute costumes or knock on our neighbor’s doors for candy, although looking back I missed out on a ton of free treats! However, no hard feelings and I turned out quite alright. J I don’t think I am quite convinced of the reason why it earns a place on my yearly calendar, but that’s just one discussion I don’t care to mull over tonight. I have fun seeing families dressed up in their costumes of choice and I don’t mind the perks of an excuse to eat more chocolate. Duh, isn't that why all adult women play along anyway on the 31st?!

     Derek decided that he would volunteer us to decorate one our trunks for our church’s annual Trunk-or-Treat activity at the fall festival this year and with little time to spare I had to act quickly to brainstorm an easy and little-to-no-cost costume and trunk idea. So, the natural thing to do would be to show up as one of your favorite things! For me, that just so happens to be coffee. On a run to get a yummy latte one morning I had an aha! moment when the barista handed over my steamy drink. Thus, the idea to do a Starbucks theme was born. I mean it doesn’t get much cuter than your honey dressed up as a barista and getting to be dolled up as your favorite hot beverage. I studied my cup for a little bit, looked up some images on Google, and then attempted to make my own version from the different pictures and ideas I researched.

     I did a little bit of "in house" shopping through the different closets in our condo to see what I could pull together before heading to our local Hobby Lobby store. Spending more than $10 on a costume was just not a negotiable for me this year. I mean, I can better spend the extra bucks for my next coffee run. J You can make this costume as expensive or cost effective as you choose to. My pretty receipt cha-chinged to a total of $8.04 with my goodies in the bag. Don’t forget your store coupon either!

These are a few things you will need for your costume that you can (probably) find around your house:

Sheet of copy paper

Black Sharpie marker

White Christmas shirt gift box

Cardboard box

Piece of green construction or scrapbook paper

Fabric glue

4 cut out Starbucks logos (printed off web)

Ribbon

Hobby Lobby goods:

Black apron

White t-shirt

Black poster board

Box of white chalk

Barista costume: Derek pretty much left the costume designing up to me so I went through his closet and pulled out a warm black sweater for him to wear, khaki pants, black shoes, and a black hat. Regardless of what kind of shirt or pant style you choose, make sure that your honey wears a black or white shirt (preferably collared), khaki pants, black shoes, and a black hat. Buy or use your own black or green apron and print off two Starbucks logos from the web. Cut out the logo and tape or glue one onto the hat and the other onto the apron. That’s all. J It was fun to hear people think it was an authentic apron... hehe.

Starbucks cup costume: I bought an oversized white t-shirt so that it would flare out a little on the bottom. However, you could be a snug, fit looking coffee cup with a smaller shirt size. J I cut six square boxes from my sheet of copy paper to use for the drink order slots that have the coffee specifics written inside. I used my Sharpie marker to outline the paper boxes in black and wrote the corresponding words in order as they appear on an actual Starbucks cup:  decaf, shots, syrup, milk, custom, and drink. I then filled in the details with my marker for the coffee that I have been ordering recently. "PSL"=Pumpkin Spice Latte in the Drink box; "S"=soy milk in the Milk box; "WO" with a dash through it means no whip in the Custom box; an “X” in the Decaf box means that it is not decaf; "½" in the Syrup box means half the pumps of syrup used; and “2” in the Shots box means two extra espresso shots. We had a friend there last night who works for Starbucks and she approved of my labeling- whew! I used fabric glue to paste these onto one side of my shirt. Voila! The hard part is done for your ready to wear, DIY specialty drink.

     Next, I used a brush and black paint that I found in a drawer to add the “Starbucks” name that runs alongside the boxes. For a little extra detail, I added my name with a smiley face up by the collar because let’s be real, I get a kick out of seeing my name hand-doodled on my cup too! Also, I added the line “Careful, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot” to the left bottom corner of the shirt. Have you ever noticed that little line on your cup?  Some of the adults that came by thought that the “hot” part had double meaning. Haha J For the cup “sleeve” I took a cardboard box from my mom’s house while visiting on Monday and cut off a strip to wrap around my waist. I used a large office clip to hold it in place and pasted another Starbucks logo to the front. Easy! PS. I wore a long sleeve white shirt underneath because it was a bit chilly. Feel free to omit the extra shirt.

     I paired this Starbucks cup with black leggings and black flats. For the “lid” I used the top half of an old Christmas shirt gift box I had lying around and bent the edges to give it a more round shape. I cut a slit on the top and rolled a green polka-dotted piece of scrap book paper to slide in for my Starbucks signature straw!

Trunk: I bought a plain black poster board sheet from Hobby Lobby and picked up some white chalk to make my “menu” that we tied to my trunk. I glued my last logo cutout and got a little silly in writing what was on the night’s menu: CANDY! But, you can write whatever you’d like. The idea is to have a coffee house chalkboard menu. I also grabbed two Grisham books, a cozy blanket, night stand lamp, a coaster and Starbucks mug that we have and added these to our trunk décor. I filled the mug with the candy and handed it out from there. Just a little touch to add to the Starbucks feel. I wanted to have actual coffee being served for the parents, but didn’t get the chance to gather those resources. So, if you do this please add that extra touch! I am sure you’ll be the favorite trunk of the year. At least to the parents walking by with their tiny tots you will be. ;)

     This costume turned out way better than I had expected. More than that, I was so excited that my hidden creative juices didn’t fail me. Take that Pinterest, I didn't need you this time! It was fun to hear some of the kids call out what we were too. Who knew that kiddos these days would know what Starbucks was? I obviously underestimated their sophisticated taste. ;)

     What did you dress up as this year? I hope that you give your pearly whites a break from their sweet enemy. I am working on it… My candy jar just reached a whole new level of full though.

Until next year’s craft costume wonder, toodles!

 

 

 

 

Challenge: 31 Days of Praying for your Husband

 

     Get ready to bookmark this post because you are about to read, and hopefully accept, a challenge for wives that will span over the next 31 days.  I just could not ignore the Spirit’s leading to share this! Ready?

     If you have been reading this blog for any amount of time then you probably figured out that I am on a lifetime, “till death do us part” mission to make my marriage work. Not just work in a day-to-day getting by sense, but I want to work on having a marriage that grows and thrives even on the not so blissful days. With that said, I have been thinking a lot about prayer. I believe that prayer works, BIG TIME, and it is something I do take seriously. I find it easy to add names to our prayer board on the fridge, and to commit to memory specifics about other people’s requests. While this is a great practice for anyone, I felt the Lord impress on my heart recently that I needed to put that same effort into praying more specifically and intentionally for Derek. That was prompting #1. To pray beyond the “Lord keep him safe, give him good health, help him in today’s work and strike down anyone that gets in his way” prayers. Ok… so the last part might be a slight exaggeration. hehe.

     Prompting #2: The last time I visited my family in Miami, I decided to borrow, err, keep a book from my mom’s bookshelf, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. If I haven’t said it already, my mom is my role model when it comes to being a godly wife. Who knew that the first section of this book would be about a wife that prays for her husband- affirmation!

     Prompting #3 and the challenge: I have a special liking for Pinterest and all its creative goodness. Don’t judge me, I pin way more than I actually do… I’ll have you know, however, that if a pin to make craft can get me to our local Hobby Lobby store, then a pin to pray for my husband can definitely prompt me to action too.  In browsing random boards, I came across one that had a link for “31 Days of Praying for Your Husband. “ Perfect!  This site has incredible daily prompts to *start* the deeper, targeted prayers for your honey. I am on day three and on my way to school today I was able to pray that, “… [my] husband would be humble and quick to agree with God about his sin [and] that his heart would be tender toward the voice of the Lord.”

I tried a different thirty-one day challenge last year and I was amazed at how God worked in my heart for a month. So, I am open and ready to continue this challenge and intentionally pray for Derek! It was originally intended to be during the month of October but we’ll just carry it on through November, ok? J

 

  Here is the link for the challenge page: 31 Days of Praying for Your Husband

     Find a time that you know you can will commit to prayer each day for the next few weeks. For me, honestly, it has been in my car the last three days on my way out to school and church. You do not have to be on your knees with the lights off in a room to pray- although that atmosphere is great too. You can do it right now. J I hope you will take up this challenge not because I have asked you to, but because you love your husband and care for your marriage enough to know that fervent prayer accomplishes much… even in marriage. (James 5:16) This can be a committment between you and the Lord and your husband does not have to know until after (if you want to tell him!) that you prayed over him for 31 days.

     Let’s keep each other accountable too! Feel free to text me, e-mail me, tweet me, or send me a message on FB. If you’re not married, you can still take up the challenge to pray for your fiancé or seriously dating boyfriend.  Even if you are single, you can use this time to pray this over your future husband. It would be pretty neat to be able to tell your spouse someday that you prayed specifics over him without knowing who it would be. Sheesh, I would be blown away!

  

This will be great- Thank you, Lord!

The “Other” 3 Words…

"I ________ _____________."

     In the last year it’s become obvious to me that there are a few words that can carry a lot more weight than the “big three” of I love you. Want to know the other 3? I am sorry.

     Confession: I have a hard time saying, “I am sorry.” Pride is my downfall when it comes to apologizing. How do I know this? Because I asked the Lord to reveal it to me and to renew a right spirit in my heart (Ps. 51:10.) The pride of not wanting to be wrong, pride of not wanting to seem weak, or even worse, the pride of not wanting to accept that I made a mistake rears its ugly head when I know I should be accepting my fault. On my list of things that I have learned in this first year of marriage, saying “I am sorry” is up top. I can’t deny that learning how to use these three words is one of the most important, healthy, and powerful skills any young bride (or husband) can learn! Too much hurt is carried for years because of resentment and bitterness that could have been healed by a humble heart genuinely apologizing. Humility trumps pride, every time.

     Derek and I have come to realize that extremes aren’t healthy either. To say it “too much” usually turns into one person stuffing hurt emotions, not being genuine in the apology, or even worse, just apologizing to get a disagreement over with and not work through it in a healthy way. I have heard it said before that people who apologize too often usually struggle with unresolved past hurts,  insecurity, people pleasing tendencies, and more. Sometimes he or she doesn’t even realize that they are apologizing for any little thing. On the other end of the extreme spectrum is to withhold an apology. This creates more hurts, fuels pride, doesn’t allow for trust to grow, and several other destructive things. Our God never intended for us to let this go to either of these unhealthy sides…

     I know this is way easier said than done. But, like I mentioned, it’s an art that’s worth practicing more and/or learning. :)

1.       Ask the Lord for humility- He can reveal things in your heart that you didn’t even know were harming you and your spouse…like pride.

2.       Practice saying “I am sorry!”-  The art of apologizing can be learned too. Thank God! J

 

3.       Learn the "languages" of an apology- Just as we learn the languages of love (touch, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation and quality time), there are languages for apologies too. In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Languages of Apology, he names the following three aspects of an apology and says that they too differ from person to person:

·         Expressing regret-  “I am sorry.”

·         Accepting responsibility- “I was wrong.”

·         Making restitution- “What can I do to make it right?”

·         Genuinely repenting- “I’ll try not to do that again.”

·         Requesting forgiveness- “Will you please forgive me?”

     If you have a great handle on this, awesome! Pray for us YoungMarrieds who want to keep working on it. J Don’t beat yourself up if this is an area you struggle in though. Let today be your “clean start” and partner with God through it. Now, let’s get to practice!

 

Verses on Pride & Humility

“A man’s pride will bring him low, but a humble spirit will obtain honor.” Prov. 29:23 (NASB)

 

“Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Prov. 11:2 (NLT)

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matt. 23:12 (NIV)

“Speak no more in your pride. Do not let proud talk come out of your mouth. For the Lord is a God who knows. Actions are weighed by Him.” 1 Sam. 2:3 (NLV)

“But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it).” James 4:6 (AMP)

A Note from a YoungMarried Ministry Wife during “Pastor Appreciation Month”

    

     Did you know that October is “Pastor Appreciation Month?” Unless your church makes a point to mention it or you have it marked on your calendar, then most likely you had no clue. Having grown up as the daughter of a senior pastor all of my life and now being married to a worship pastor, I get the insider’s scoop of what these leaders  go through in ministry which is something that you may never get to see. I can remember several nights in my childhood where my dad chose to respond to a desperate call from a church family who needed their pastor in a crisis moment.  Fast forward to my life now and being married to Derek, you’d never know the number of Saturday nights and other days throughout the week that he lays in bed restless because of ministry related work and the weight of leading the people he is responsible for.

     It burdens me, as a church member and pastor’s wife, the audacity that we can sometimes have to tear down the same men and women who are making God’s Word come alive for us and teaching us biblical truths several times each week. Or, in my case, a man who is so passionate and responsible for cultivating an inviting and intimate atmosphere of worship for our church. They don’t do what they do because they are looking to please you or to get their praises shouted out. Our pastors have accepted a call in their lives from God to lead His people. More times than not we want more, more, MORE from our pastors than we are willing to admit and usually don’t think twice to say a simple, “Thank you.” You may not realize it, but fulfilling the role as a pastor can be a very lonely place to be. From the wife of a pastor, I am asking you to go the extra mile this month to appreciate ALL of your pastors. I am asking this of you because 1) they need it, 2) ministry wives (and husbands) are blessed when their spouse is honored and 3) because we are encouraged instructed to do so in the Bible. Don’t believe me?

“Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. ¹³ Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.” 1 Thess. 5:12-13 (NLT)

“Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching.” 1 Tim. 5:17 (ESV)

“Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” Rom. 13:7 (NIV)

               

     This isn’t only a note for church members but this also goes for you, the wife or husband of a pastor or ministry leader. Sometimes the only place your “pastor spouse” (yes, I just made that word up) gets affirmation and encouragement is at home. If they can’t look to home as being that constant place of affirmation, security, and love, then you’re doing just as much damage to them as some of the people that are throwing the rocks to begin with. In the bigger picture, your pastors should be getting the most honor and respect from their home, your church. There’s truth to what Jesus said in Mathew 13:57 about a prophet not getting honor in his own country or home… Think about it. Not only because Derek is my husband but also because he is one of my pastors, I am to honor and show him respect.

     Here are some practical ways to honor your pastor(s) this month:

1.       Cut back on the criticism- Most workers get evaluated once or twice a year. Pastors, on the other hand, get criticized almost on a weekly basis. Could you imagine being under such constant scrutiny? Additionally, most of the time our criticism comes from a place of selfishness, personal preferences, and without a solution to a problem. Use your mouths and words to lift up your pastor, not tear him down.

2.       Pray for them (a lot) - They need it!

3.       Express appreciation in writing- Give your pastor a handwritten note or send an e-mail with simple words of thanks for something specific. Your pastor will be able to keep this note for many years to come and, perhaps, look back to it on a hard day.

4.       Offer to fill a need- if you have a skill or the time available to fill a need in your church, do it. Maybe you can only commit to serving for a month, or even a year. It is so hard on pastors to have to take the role as “recruiters” too. Lessen their ministry load by using your skills to help! If you can’t seem to find a talent to use, then contribute financially to a church project. There’s a way for everyone to fill a need!

 

5.       Squash gossip- This is self-explanatory. Don’t spread gossip, stop it when you hear it, and encourage others to do the same. Lead by example in this area. What good does gossip serve you anyways? None. It definitely won’t serve your pastor in any beneficial way either.

 

6.       Be responsive- it fuels your pastors to see a head nod in agreement during a message, or event just to hear a responsive “Yes!” or “Amen!” It’s hard to preach or minister to a congregation that is lifeless. Be responsive and give back some of the life that your pastor is pouring out for you. Try it. J

7.       Don’t play the comparisons game- Lining your pastor and church up to another ministry’s measuring stick is a lose-lose situation. Your pastor wasn’t called to be anyone other than who God uniquely created him/her to be and they can’t live up to all of your expectations anyways. Throw out the stick!

 

     These are just a few simple ideas from the dozens that can be done to appreciate your head leaders. I hope that you’ll take this challenge to love on your pastors extra the rest of this month, and work towards showing this same respect and honor more throughout the year. Thanks in advance. J

 

 

A Thoughtful Exercise for Your Spouse from Phil. 4:8

     Earlier this year, I took a suggestion that Holly Furtick posted on her blog that came from the book, What’s it Like to Be Married toMe?, by Linda Dillow. This book challenged me to take my pointed finger off of Derek and turn it right back at myself with tough questions to think about. Some of the questions included, what does it feel like to be my husband? Am I willing to change my attitude? Is it possible to grow together?

     The challenge comes from Philippians 4:8. The idea is to take the key words in the verse and to use them to write something (nice) about your husband. I want to challenge you to try this exercise too, and maybe doodle something cute around the paper and then tuck it away somewhere for your honey to find it later. The verse says:

“And now [wives], dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (NLT)

     We are called to two actions in this passage: to fix our thoughts and to think about these things. Take these 8 key words that I have marked in bold for you and write something next to each one that relates to your husband (or wife.) Has your honey done something that was admirable in the last week? Write it down, and so on! Depending on the  BIble version that you used for the verse, your words may be a little different. So as an example, your “Phil. 4:8 note" will be structured something like this:

Derek,

True- Thanks for sticking to your promise to XYZ this week. You were true to your word!

Honorable-

Right-

Pure-

Lovely-

Admirable-

Excellent-

Worthy of Praise-

I love you!

-G

     You can be as creative as you want to be. The first time I did this I just wrote it out on a legal pad sheet of paper because I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't “find” something else to do in that moment. The purpose of this is to be intentional in thinking about the good things your spouse does and/or say.s Mine looked like this:

     In reality, you could do this every month and the examples following these key words would probably be different each time. With the holidays coming up, why not add a little extra dose of gratitude in your life? Whenever I get to nagging and complaining, recalling this verse and practicing this exercise is something I’ve taken a special liking to. I am amazed at how my intentionality in doing this gives me perspective. Most of the time we are reminded and realize that the number of good "things"  trump what we consider to be "bad."

      Maybe today you are in a mood where just looking at your spouse makes you mad… do this challenge anyways. I read recently that by doing an action, even if you don’t want to, causes the desired feelings to usually follow. In other words, if you can’t think of a single nice thing to write in this exercise try it in spite of your feelings, and after the first few I bet you’ll realize a change of heart and maybe even attitude. Just try.

    Derek is taking me to see Frankenweenie tonight because the little girl in me wants to. I usually don’t go see animated movies at the theatre, so you can bet he doesn’t either. But, he heard me mention it to someone this week and decided to take me after his band rehearsal tonight. How, lovely. :)

 

His, Mine, Our... Family

Waterfall on our way down to Atitlan, Guatemala

 

      It has been a hard transition getting back into “normal” life for me after having spent a few days away in Antigua, Guatemala, with Derek and my family. Besides the fact that I am not a creature of habit and didn’t care much to come back to my weekly routines, I really miss waking up and knowing I would be spending the day with Derek, my parents, and sister. With them living in another city now, Miami seems forever away on most days. :/

     Finally, I am getting around to uploading a few pictures and adding a blurb or two. This trip was 1) a much needed Moya family vacation and 2) the first time we have vacationed with my family as a married couple. 

     Antigua was absolutely beautiful! So much of the Mayan history and culture is still engrained in the native's lives, the food is delicious, and the sightseeing was breath taking. We saw volcanoes, antiquated buildings, heard the typical marimba music in the city square, ate more frijoles than we should have, and sipped on delicious coffee straight from their land…None of this, however, mattered as much as being with my family did! It was a trip of many “firsts,” for us all, notably the first time Derek collaborated with my dad for ministry!

 

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Ama being herself at breakfast one morning... "I'm cold!" was her excuse. ;)

 

Derek getting a lesson on how some of the local boys from Santiago get labor done

 

Ohhhh, the food! So good!

 

Letting one of the locals dress me up in traditional clothes

 

Getting closer to the valley sourounded by three active volcanoes! Beautiful.

 

 

Beautiful architechture all over this city!

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Ok, I can’t write too much about it because I’m not up for being teary eyed this morning… On another note, I loved seeing my sister interact with Derek as if he were her big brother (which she calls him), how my mom thought his jokes were so funny, how my dad asked for Derek’s opinion on some work, and how Derek asked for his advice on a ministry question. Derek let his guard down around my family, as they did also, which made for great times of bonding, and memories made. My heart is so full!

When your husband (or wife) is around your family, do you make it easy for them? I’ve been reading recently about cultivating deeper relationships and how it’s necessary to take the risk of being your true self in order for your core relationships to go beyond a surface level. Not only is this true for you, but it is also true for your honey. Derek needs to feel like he can be accepted for who he is, quirks and all, in my family. Your first thought might be, “Yeah well, what about ME?” Today, I am not talking about how you fit in with your husband’s family, while that is important too. This post is about what you are doing to either let your spouse know that he is safe with your family (goal) or that he better hit the mark every time for acceptance (false expectation.) Your family dynamics may be more complicated, and working through this may not be as easy for a number of different reasons. However, that does not change the fact that you can still help your husband/wife feel wanted, safe, and accepted. In our family time together last week, I was reminded of the following principles:

1)      Don’t set your spouse up for failure- If you’re constantly telling your husband/wife how to act when they are around your family and adding to your expectations list for them, they will fail every time. Your family knows both of you aren’t perfect, so who are you trying to fool? Allow room for error. I mean, a joke may cause an awkward moment at the dinner table one day... it’s OK!

2)      Spouse first, then family- Remember that after your relationship with Jesus, your spouse is your next priority. Keeping this in check will determine how you protect him/her, choosing to brag about their accomplishments, and all that good stuff. J It was hard for me at first to remember that Derek now came “before” my family. That’s part of the whole “leaving and cleaving” thing (Gen. 2:24). Yeah, remember that? In other words, your husband still exists when you’re around family! ;)

3)      Share the spotlight- Parents want to hear about what’s going on in their kid’s lives. Now that your honey is also a new son or daughter in the family, give them some room to shine too. J I love hearing my dad call Derek “my son” and Ama to call him her “big brother,” and for my mom to be so genuinely interested in what Derek is working on and accomplishing. If you get resentful or even jealous when your family shows interest in your spouse’s achievements, hobbies, work, etc., then that’s a red flag for some clean-up of the heart.

 

     Family loyalty, sincere love, and growing together are some of the core values rooted in our home as it relates to us and our families. Derek’s family is mine, and my family is Derek’s too. Don’t waste time holding grudges against in-laws, pointing out flaws, or complaining about what “they” aren’t doing. Take ownership of your own actions, create space for forgiveness and reconciliation, and move on towards keeping your families a top priority in your lives.

 Closing night of the event in which my dad preached and Derek closed the service in worship- in Spanish!

 

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt